Sleeper Cell French Fries attack America!

I know it sounds like a bad Japanese science fiction movie.  I didn’t believe it myself, at first.  But it is true.  A group of California scientific researchers have recently uncovered a heinous plot to attack the youth of America. Homeland security commented that they didn’t hear any of the typical back-channel chatter, but actually became aware of it via a newspaper story. The plot revolves around a huge corporation that up until now was viewed as one of the great American success stories.

a typical cheeseburger
secret sauce? or secret agent?

Just how this corporation kept this under cover for so long is a mystery.  Their name has been associated with lunch-time smiles on the faces of kids for decades!   The researchers notified a group of concerned citizens, and that group brought it all into the light of day.  According to the group the so-called ‘happy meal’ is actually causing the downfall of American youth by literally force-feeding them fatty foods.  Thereby causing obesity – and the eventual downfall of the entire country.  What makes the episode so shocking is that the parents of the beset children had no idea that they were under attack – and had even less of an idea that their children were being compelled by a secret sauce – I mean force – to consume large quantities of the meals.  The researchers have yet to determine exactly what the force is behind the compulsion, but they are certain that it is definitely NOT the fault of parents, who seem to be blameless since they cannot be expected to counteract the children’s wishes.  Corporate officials have denied any covert operation.  However, in retribution for the charges, the company has replaced the fries with a packet of apple slices.  This, in turn, has precipitated children’s groups to protest that the corporation be forced to rename it’s product to the ‘Less-than-Happy’ meal.

“I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.”
Thomas Jefferson

Of course the real story here begins with the idea that the government should take responsibility for every citizen, and that the citizens should have none of their own.   If you agree that french fries can cause obesity, and not lack of parental supervision, then you must also agree that there are plenty of other foods that cause obesity.

chocolate chip cookie
are these next to go?

This is more than just a ‘slippery slope’. .  There are recent examples of us sliding down this slope.  We start with activists brandishing a ‘good’ cause, and we end up giving the government more responsibility for us, and losing some liberties in the bargain.  No Smoking on airplanes – a good idea.  Then no smoking in restaurants – a less good idea (we can discuss why in another article).  Then no smoking in public buildings and on streets – and now there are entire towns where it is illegal to smoke.  So here we go – no fatty ‘happy’ meals for kids.  Then no chocolate cake at birthday parties – because kids are forced to attend them, so we shouldn’t be allowed to serve cake!  Think that’s extreme?  I don’t.  I think it’s just the next wave.  After that, no chocolate chip cookies – they’re just as bad if you eat the whole bag, and god knows that mom can’t be responsible for keeping her kids out of the cookie jar.  This is what happens when we decide that the government should take care of us all.  Now, if you don’t like happy meals, or chocolate cake, or smoking, then you probably think this is all good stuff.  But I’m sure that there’s something that you do like that other people think is harmful to you.  That’s right – THEY – think it’s harmful to YOU.  And they’ll lobby to make sure that you can’t do it or have it any more – because it’s bad for YOU.  If you sit by quietly and let them take away the happy meals, they will come for you too some day, I assure you.  It will be easier for them to get you too – because you will be pedalling the government approved bicycle (no more auto fumes), down a dirt road (asphalt is hazardous), We’ll know exactly where you are, because every bike will have a GPS chip (to deter bike thieves).   And you’ll be leaving a trail of half-eaten celery – organic celery – because that’s the only food known to science that is completely fat free, taste free, liberty free.

One thought on “Sleeper Cell French Fries attack America!

  1. Now… That’s funny. Well put good sir. Obesity is genetic don’t you know, there is nothing we as parents can do about it….. Kidding.

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