Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the latest installment of the “Victimhood Olympics”! I’m your host for the coverage of recent events. Our game coverage will start with the hotly contested High Platform Hate-Crime Dive and then we’ll move quickly on to the 400 Meter Virtue-Signal Freestyle. But before we get to the contests, let’s recap last week’s decision by the VOBOG. In case you’re new to the VO event series, VOBOG is the acronym for Victimhood Olympics Bored of Governpeople.
No, you didn’t mis-read that, and it isn’t a typo, it is BORED, and yes Governpeople. Chairmx of the Bored, Maxine Waters, reading from a prepared statement (because she can’t go live without embarrassing herself and the Bored) said “The facts are that there’s a tremendous amount of racial animus in America. Even if it all originates on the left, we are mandating that all white people must automatically be blamed for every disparity in the country. White liberals will be given special dispensation to pronounce their guilt, say 2 Hail-Maxines, and they will be absolved. At that time they will be re-instated as virtuous. Impeach 45.” White conservatives, of course, will receive no such treatment.
Ok, now for the Hate-Crime High Dive. This week’s event was highlighted by the appearance of Jussie Smollett. Sponsored by DICK (Divers In Chicago Klub), Jussie attempted the 10 Meter Lynchpin in the tuck position with a degree of difficulty of 3.4. He needed good marks from at least 3 judges to overtake the leader, Tawana Brawley. Judge #1, Rastamala Harris, chimed in with an initial 9.5 but changed her mind (and her score) down to a 5.1 after being informed that Jussie did an illegal face-splat on entry. Judge #2 Spartacus, also had a change of heart. Initially awarding a 10.0 (the highest score awarded only to those dives that most closely fit the narrative), he later backed down to a 6.5 after seeing the angered faces of much of the nation. The third judge has yet to be assigned, but that should happen at his arraignment next week.
Moving on, we have the 400 Meter Virtue Signal freestyle. The current leader in the clubhouse is Senator Kirsten Gillibrand. Her chosen topic is every woman’s right to be believed. She cleared the first 100 meters with her performance about asking Bill Clinton to step down (20 years too late). Then followed that immediately with her public disdain for Harvey Weinstein (after his donation check cleared). She is losing a little of her lead in the third leg – the very difficult “moral compass” 100. Mired by her too often quoted “For me it’s an issue of morality”. She’s still in the lead, but there are many contenders hot on her heels. We’ll see just how many people will be willing to vote for such an obvious victim. Normally the electorate goes in for the more guarded “hey, I’m for Jobs” type.
Tune into next week’s episode to get an up close and inside-baseball look at the Hypocrisy 500, where contestants must drive Eco-Friendly vehicles powered only by cow farts .